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SRF Walrus

Mt. Washington, Ca

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SRF Walrus > Dealing with my doubts > Doubts
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Cron Unregistered User (9/6/01 5:34 pm) Reply	Doubts Most of these stories are not new to me. But to be honest, until the recent firings and all the monastics leaving I was able to successfully bury my feelings and keep the blinders on. Now I don’t know what to do. I have given years to following this path only to realize that the leaders aren’t doing the same thing. They are not practicing simple kindness, honesty, integrity. I spoke to a male direct disciple (I am afraid to use his name for fear he will get in trouble, can you believe that?) about the situation at Mother Center and he said that “no one up there is acting with integrity. I don’t know why.” This has been an atom bomb in my life. I feel rudderless. Sometimes even embarrassed that I was taken in by these people. All these years I thought of these other groups as a “cult” but felt that SRF was different. I am struggling to still meditate and feel I am serving Master, but it is difficult. I think I am losing the fight. This has been so disappointing. If those who actually knew him and/or have been in the ashram for 30 or more years are acting like this, what hope is there for my puny meditations? If they can act like this after knowing Master, was it all wishful thinking? Have I wasted all these years? The direct disciple says "cling to Master, cling to Master".
Captain Zero Unregistered User (9/6/01 10:55 pm) Reply	On being a zero...and other honors of distinction Dear Cron. Your meditations are not puny. When you kiss the one you love, is that meaningless? Maybe we all got sucked into a cult, maybe we didn't. Maybe we, in SRF, all have mass karma to work out. I am 1000% convinced that our guru would personally drag SRF through a pile of @#%$ if only to get his brothers and sisters (us) to wake up. It's the way of Shiva. I always thought SRF was kind of the Beverly Hills or Encino of spiritual paths. We have such spoiled brats in our midst. When a Master comes to earth, he has to deal with all types of souls. Some are holy and some are Asuras who hunger for power. Others teeter between the two forces. You and I aint lily white either. But when that asuric power insinuates itself into spiritual work, it disorients the gentler members. These souls have tremeduous egos. When they are tested, we get some of the fallout -- which is our test for being too sycophant-like. All stories have a resolution. Let's see where this one goes. Cling to Master. Master is not the organization. Master exists in conciousness with God in every point of space. When you start thinking SRF is God, it bugs God and he takes away that teddy bear so you can grow up and see things like a god. Didn't Jesus say, "The foxes have their dens and the birds have their nests, but the Son of God hath not a place to lay his head"? I was feeling entirely miserable not that long ago. I was entering into a 7-11 convenience store. I saw a lady who looked poor, uneducated, pushing a stroller with a young child in it who was wearing leg braces. There were a bunch of wrangly laborers standing around waiting to buy beer. Everyone looked pathetic. But I thought the most pathetic person in the room was me. I, an educated person, a disciple of my guru, a meditator for many years, shiftless as the wind, without a spiritual home. I felt like a complete zero. As I looked to my right at a shelf of energy bars and cookies, I suddenly had the thought that I was even more meaningless than them. And then came the fun. A thought occured to me that even the lowliest dirt smudge was a manifestation of God. A single atom is a miraculous solar system. A piece of gum on a worn out tennis shoe, a universe. And I? A zero? Perhaps? But a zero fashioned out of the stuff of God. I realized at this point that I didn't need my church anymore. I could worship God amidst the energy bars, cookies and gum. It seems ludicrous that Master would show himself in a piece gum But he needed to find me where the small things are.
cjmagorianaolcom Unregistered User (1/9/02 9:47 am) Reply	dealing with my doubts Dear Cron, I know how you feel, and I have posted many messages today. I too had a hard time meditating for a long time and had to turn to another organization to sort out my feelings, which I am still doing, but at least now I can meditate peacefully. It took me two years to know where to turn, and I know that I made the right decision. I hope that you soon find your way. Edited by: srfwalrus at: 1/9/02 11:53:08 pm

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