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Punk Yogi Registered User (11/18/03 6:01 am) Reply	Confessions of Swamiji [Editor's note: Swamiji's original spelling of the salutation is as written below. For the last fifty years, we have kept it altered to reflect the more common spelling of "Dear." The reasons for the change are quite simple. We were bored with all the office work we were doing and felt we needed something to noodle on. The editorial department, for the first time in fifty years, is now proud to present the Swami in his original pen. It is in order to mention that Swamiji's referring to his chelas as "deer" was never meant to be condescending. Swami loved deers. In his early years, he owned one as pet. Swami had many pets. Finally, this year the editorial department once again started feeling the need to noodle. Thus we elected to make a minor change in the Swami's spelling back to the original. We are very proud of our efforts. We are doubly proud to offer you this one time candid peek into another side of Swamiji's multifaceted personality. It's nice to know sometimes that our beloved Master had a human side. The Editor] Deer ones, By the time you read this letter, I will be long gone, flying in the azure hazy wavy glaze of some milky beam of Divine Mother's tress. As I write this letter, I am gazing quizzically through the opal door of my spiritual eye and see many things. One thing I see is that, many years into the future, a great challenge will descend like a bird dropping onto this mighty organization. I have therefore instructed a few loyal monastics to divulge the contents of this peculiar letter only as a last resort and when the time is ripe. I made a general suggestion that it should be released approximately 25 years after my passing,. Common sense, not intuition, tells me that because some of my disciples are very numerically challenged, possibly dyslexic, it wouldn't more likely that this letter doesn't see the light of day until more than 52 years after my passing. But what can I do? I am only the Guru, I have no say in such matters. In my spiritual eye, I see some of you debating to no end over my dead body, wondering to no conclusion if I ever fiddled about with any of my devotees. To this I say, it is better that some things remain a mystery to the sincere spiritual seeker. Don't try to know everything at once. The universe is as bewildering as a Cat's Cradle. Venture not to gobble the whole channa at once, for it will only plug up your intestines and give you gas. Ask not whether I fooled around with disciples; ask instead why YOU were too stupid NOT to fool around with other disciples. Oh my intelligent idiots. Did I demand of you celibacy? As I recall, the word I often used over and over again was "Sexy Beastie." But who listens to me? My robe was not meant to be a holy symbol. I'd be more pleased if you regarded it as a souvenir toga from a Phi Beta Kappa bash. Deer Ones, I ask Divine Mother why she sent me such a bunch of worldly challenged disciples. Most of you bungle your facts. For example, the legal age of consent in the 1920's was much younger than it is today. When I was a tike, the age of consent in California was 10. By the time I was old enough to hypnotize and play with skulls, it jumped to 14. Still, in England, the legal age of consent was 12 until 1929. And did you know that the word "adolescent" wasn't even introduced until 1904. Suppose I did fool around with a couple of 17 year old nuns? What of it? Not that I'm admitting to it. But theoretically, suppose I did. I would be within my legal rights. So there! I was actually hoping you'd all loosen up a bit and -- how shall I say it -- please one another. Bang a gong. Get it on! By being happy my child, Thou dost please me. So be happy. Reach out and touch someone. But if you don't want to, if you want to be prudish, fine! Just remember, that this guy Ashcroft from the Justice Department, if he has his way, the legal age of consent will be 75. That's right. You'll all HAVE to be celibate. Why don't you all live it up while there's still time. Now moving right along, some of you speculated that I could be homosexual. And I say this: Take a deep look at the organization and ask yourself, "Are homosexuals welcomed here?" Nope. Case closed. Swamiji may be a charmer but he's no snake charmer! Okay? Swami feels icky and needs to change the subject. Swami is really a very masculine guru. Despite Swami's small size, Swami has the power of a trillion William The Conquerors. As William the @#%$ (my less used title) I used to chop off peoples heads if they so much as looked at me with a queer eye. I am and always will be a macho guru despite my size. In your time, you will have this guy named Hugh Hefner dressed in a stylish silk bathrobe with lots of beautiful women living in his mansion. Hugh, by the way, will turn out to be my luckier younger brother. Divine Mother gave me the midget gene. To Hugh, she gave the pretty girls and the hipper mansion. I, of course, am stuck with the leftovers -- several dorky and pasty white other-worldy schoolgirls who want to talk about St. Francis instead of throwing down the jam. It's been frustrating. Sometimes I feel l have no self-confidence and want to walk out of this organization just like some of you have done. Mr. Hefner, my younger, taller, and luckier brother, should rightfully be the next president of this organization, not that Day - uh...? Well, whatever her name is. Which reminds me. When I first met that little tart, I had a vision of this glorious rock n' roll group which will be known as the Beatles. What happened was, I visited her during one of her basketball games. She was so young and sweaty. I have to admit I was feeling the urge. Suddenly Divine Mother played this futuristic song in my head. It went like this: "Well, she was just seventeen, You know what I mean And the way she looked was way beyond compare So how could I dance with another Oh, when I saw her standing there." So I got up the nerve to ask her over to my place (she ended up never leaving). I HAD to put on the guru facade because she just ate it up. When she and some of the other nuns used used to prance outside my door in their scanty saris like they were Scheherazade, I'd be in my room counting off Kriyas just to calm down. That's the real reason why I meditated so much. As soon as I got centered, I'd straighten myself up, puff out my chest and open the door with my best guru smile and routine and see what kind of response I could get. They were always very devotional. Always winking at me like little coquettes and folding their hands. I'd invite them into my room one by one and try to get something going. Inevitably they'd all get really frigid and insecure on me, telling me what a nice guy I was but I was just not their type and could we be just friends, etc. That's probably why I called one or two of them a b-itch or something like that. It was training. I even placed a dunce cap on "what's her name" when she started playing games with me. I'm sorry. I wish I had something juicier to relate, but I never got nothing from them. I believe it was because I was short. My purpose in writing this letter is lend comfort to those devotees who have had a miserable time in this organization. You know, it's not easy being a human. It's worse when nobody even tries. Keep living the life. My original promise was 72 virgins for the men, and 108 studs for the ladies, not upon death but in this very life. Step aside Mohammed, this is the new dispensation! Swamiji [Editor's note: For legal purposes, the Board of Directors are not allowed to endorse or further comment on this piece. Please direct all inquiries to the nearest trash can. God Bless and remember to send your donations.]
dawnrays Registered User (11/18/03 6:25 am) Reply	Re: Confessions of Swamiji ha ha PY (you are a riot). But actually, Master wasn't homophobic (srf is). He always referred to it as a "non-issue". I think he was very manly also (it takes a real man to show his feminine side). dawnrays
Punk Yogi Registered User (11/18/03 2:49 pm) Reply	Editor's Note Editor's Note: It has suddenly come to the attention of the editorial staff that the letter we've posted is not of our venerable Swamiji but rather a disgruntled disciple who wrote with the express purpose of lampooning him. Evidently, this letter was sent recently, but it got confused with some of the genuine articles and was placed in Swamijii' s archives. One of the problems with editing is that it is difficult to keep all the changes separate from the originals. Having nothing else to do, the editors have a tendency to while away their boredom by making alternate versions of Swamiji's writings. We are, in fact, the only entity legally allowed to do this. We believe this letter is attributable to a Dr. Melphis Helwey. Dr. Helwey led the meditation group in Santa Rosa for many years. We are pleased to announce that his membership file has been transferred to a special department and his name, logged onto our blacklist database. What tipped the editorial department off to this obvious forgery was the greeting. Swamiji never use the words "Deer" or "Dear" in any of his greetings. Somehow that attribution creeped in many years later by some bigwig nun who wanted to get cheeky with the members. Finally, it is our expressed wish to clarify Swamiji's position on homosexuals. An interesting coincidence has it that Swamiji never used the term "Deer One" or "Dear One" in a greeting. It is entirely possible that he, on occasion and whenever he visited San Francisco, used the term "Queer Ones." Swami had a great sense of humor. With a wink and his quick wit, he could endear himself to any congregation. He himself was not a homosexual, but he often joked about how much easier it would be to live on the third floor if he was. We apologize for any confusion we might have caused. The Editor]
bsjones Registered User (11/18/03 2:59 pm) Reply ezSupporter	Re: Editor's Note Whew! Thanks for the clarification. I didn't know what to think to begin with. That Dr. Hewley must be in for some bad karma.
YellowBeard420 Registered User (11/19/03 1:54 am) Reply	Re: Confessions of Swamiji Punk Yogi -- just noticed this little gem here and had to comment. You've renewed my faith in mankind; and that's no joke. Dealing with all these militant Yogananda zombie elves was making me feel that the light of independent human thought was becoming an artifact of the past, crushed under the boot of fascist religious goose steppers. Had some trouble reading it at times through the tears of laughter. It's like "Night of the Living Dead" or "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" here. Nothing but a vast sea of Yogananda zombie elves rushing at you constantly. Then you see another human being ... OMG there's still life out here ... what a beautiful sight.
Siddharthas Kid Registered User (11/19/03 8:30 pm) Reply	Re: Confessions of Swamiji Oh man oh man oh man! Heeheehee! This is absolutley PRICELESS! Thanx EVER so much, Punk Yogi! Way too funny! I NEEDED THAT! : )
ugizralrite Registered User (11/19/03 8:35 pm) Reply	Re: Confessions of Swamiji Brother Yellowbeard, I am concerned that the next thing from you will be a demand that our warriors remove the bones from their noses, our women cover their breasts, and our ancestors shrines be razed just so you can report back to Falwell, or Robertson, or Swaggert or whatever rock you slithered out from under. I am beginning to twitch with a hunger for long pig and the cauldron so long disused for roasting missionaries of your ilk.
dawnrays Registered User (11/20/03 7:41 am) Reply	Sound Advice from an Elf! Don't feed the trolls! Gotta run (I'm baking some cookies for Santa!)
OneTaste Registered User (11/20/03 8:52 am) Reply	Re: Sound Advice from an Elf! dawnrays, this is just so not like you. I've seen you disagree with people, sure, but downright meanness? Don't feed the trolls? How cruel! What, you expect them to do all that typing on an empty stomach?! Maybe you should reconsider and toss em a cookie or two out of your batch for Santananda. I'm sure this in the Elf-Realization Fellowship lessons somewhere.
etzchaim Registered User (11/20/03 9:14 am) Reply	Re: Sound Advice from an Elf! "Don't feed the trolls! Gotta run (I'm baking some cookies for Santa!)" "dawnrays, this is just so not like you. I've seen you disagree with people, sure, but downright meanness? Don't feed the trolls? How cruel! What, you expect them to do all that typing on an empty stomach?! Maybe you should reconsider and toss em a cookie or two out of your batch for Santananda. I'm sure this in the Elf-Realization Fellowship lessons somewhere." That is just priceless!!! I'm just a little confused, though, Santa cookies before Thanksgiving???? What is this world coming to???? I wasn't even going to get the Hanukhah applesauce going until mid Dec. and that's before Santananda day. I think you need to join non-procrastinators anonymous. I'm serious.
dawnrays Registered User (11/20/03 10:13 am) Reply	Re: Sound Advice from an Elf! While that may be true for the rank and file, here in the North Pole, we take these things very seriously. You are probabably unfamiliar with our elf-realization motto "Let Every Day be Christmas!" Now really One Taste, I believe Santa states very clearly in the lessons, never to throw cookies to trolls! I really think you need to double check on that one. Rumor has it that this one's been on the naughty list for ages! Edited by: dawnrays at: 11/20/03 11:29 am
ranger20 Registered User (11/20/03 11:37 am) Reply	Re: Sound Advice from an Elf! *Quote:* I'm just a little confused, though, Santa cookies before Thanksgiving???? What is this world coming to???? A short holiday season and nervous retailers. I noted several Christmas catalogs arriving in August. Hallmark ornaments were up by labor day. Driving home last night I saw the tents and lights for local tree lots are up. Beyond turkeys, there's just not a lot of Thanksgiving "stuff" to be sold, so... Now if we could just get the kids to dress up like Pilgrims, and go trick or treating again...but what would they do with bags full of mashed potatoes and gravy?
bsjones Registered User (11/20/03 12:04 pm) Reply ezSupporter	Re: Confessions of Swamiji "bag full of mashed potatoes and gravy". hohoho.
OneTaste Registered User (11/20/03 1:09 pm) Reply	Re: Sound Advice from an Elf! *Quote:* Now really One Taste, I believe Santa states very clearly in the lessons, never to throw cookies to trolls! I really think you need to double check on that one. What am I to make of this, dr? Look, I know you are busy running around, but what gives? You know those lessons were compiled by elves, not Santa. And you also know that elves naturally have a marked distaste for trolls, as do hobbits. I mean, it's not like there were any trolls in the Fellowship. You think that was an accident? *Quote:* Rumor has it that this one's been on the naughty list for ages! Perhaps, but then, haven't we all?
ranger20 Registered User (11/20/03 1:16 pm) Reply	Re: Sound Advice from an Elf! *Quote:* Rumor has it that this one's been on the naughty list for ages! I've wondered at times, if this one isn't a disrupter droid, kind of an alternate universe Astral7. Another theory is that it was conjured in response to all the bliss on the true believer board
dawnrays Registered User (11/20/03 1:24 pm) Reply	Re: Sound Advice from an Elf! That's just a vicious rumor and you know it One Taste! Besides, if he would be nice to us and stop being a mean, nasty and contrary troll, he would turn into a beautiful elf (like us!) How can Santa's beautiful light shine through such a lump of coal (which is all you're getting in your stocking by the way, Mr. Troll!)
etzchaim Registered User (11/20/03 1:50 pm) Reply	Re: Sound Advice from an Elf! "I've wondered at times, if this one isn't a disrupter droid, kind of an alternate universe Astral7. Another theory is that it was conjured in response to all the bliss on the true believer board" Now there's a thought... Dawnrays, keep making those cookies for Santa. Whatever you do, do not, I repeat, do not, listen to the news. How can I get to the true believer board? It sounds amusing for a break from the chaos of real life on earth as I contemplate my inability to stop the insanity. Time for a time out, it seems... Etz, processing bedlam in the Insane Asylum of the Universe.
ranger20 Registered User (11/20/03 3:50 pm) Reply	Re: Sound Advice from an Elf! "How can I get to the true believer board? It sounds amusing for a break from the chaos of real life on earth as I contemplate my inability to stop the insanity. Time for a time out, it seems..." At least one of our number (I can't remember who at the moment) mentioned in an email, having been kicked off for negative thinking, but here it is: ompage.net/bookmarks.htm Look at the right column. The first link, three entries down, "Yogananda SRF Devotee Message Boards," seems to be exclusively the domain of true believers. In the second link, five entries down, "Yoganandaji.org & Message Board," disillusion can be discussed to some extent. One of the threads had people processing a long time SRF member leaving. Some of the folks are aware of this board, in a "say it ain't so kind of way."
YellowBeard420 Registered User (11/20/03 4:24 pm) Reply	Re: Sound Advice from an Elf! Dawnrays wrote: "Besides, if he would be nice to us and stop being a mean, nasty and contrary troll, he would turn into a beautiful elf (like us!)" Looking for community and "fellowship" externally is a surrogate for true communion with our Self. Being an elf was fun for awhile I suppose, but that game's over for me now. I'm goin' where "there's no heaven above or hell below" as John Lennon put it in Imagine. I'll cut it short here because this is the Reverend Punk Yogi's thread, I don't wanna turn it into a YellowBeard thread. You guys enjoy Christmas.
etzchaim Registered User (11/20/03 5:09 pm) Reply	Re: Sound Advice from an Elf! "Looking for community and "fellowship" externally is a surrogate for true communion with our Self." I know!!! I know!!!! It's a riddle!!!!! Let's see, the external...no, no, the internal is the Self, the external is the Self, no, no!!! The external is the Self and the internal is the not-self. Damn, that's wrong, too. Damn, damn, now I'm all worked up... Hunnnnhhhhhh, ok, ok, I'll try again. The external is the not-self and the internal is the not-self????? Mabe this works better with above and below. Let's try. The community above is a surrogate for the community below. No, that's obviously wrong. The community below is the same as the community above, or is it the community above and the Self below? Ahhhh, Ok, one more time. Here goes: As the Elf, so the Self! Ding, Ding, Ding!!! I win.
etzchaim Registered User (11/20/03 5:16 pm) Reply	Re: Sound Advice from an Elf! Ranger, thanks. My bliss bunny is your bliss bunny, we're all one bliss bunny. Oooommmmmmmmmmm