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srfwalrus
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(12/13/01 8:47 pm)
Reply 		Postulants and other Residents of Limbo
Postulants and other Residents of Limbo – 12/12/01
pub78.ezboard.com/fsrfwal...D=19.topic

Friends,
I have been reading this board for a few days - Can I share my story?
I have been a kriyaban since I was 19. I grew up in a major east coast city, from an artsy, bohemian, but very Catholic European family. I traveled in India, Nepal, all over, and consider myself pretty together as a person. SRF has always been on my family's list of horrors, possibly because while studying in London I became a Hare Krishna and nearly escaped being a virtual child bride. That experience (as a HK) left me with a sore heart, but determined to find a REAL, sukkha spiritual home - and when I met Yogananda I fell in love.
OK, cut to the chase: The family threatened to disown me, but I told them I must live a spiritual life, this is what I want. Mother Center accepted me years ago, but I couldn't get it together to go, I mean, I couldn't just leave my family hating me, so I tried to work it out. I went to Mt W. planning to stay with a nearby non-devotee, and work in the NOB (Nun's Office building). I wasn't told when I could actually enter the PA, just that it would be...sometime. Fair enough. I figured I needed to surrender to Master's will. So I was staying with an emotionally abusive couple (recommended to me by MC) who ended up taking out some kind of SRF animosity regarding the building project on me, in addition to demanding more money from me for staying in a tiny dirty room. I was told to "send them love".
The nun's told me I could look for another place, and suggested I go door to door, knocking on houses, to find a room.
I asked them, why, since I had already given away everything, left my devastated family, couldn't I just go into the PA? No answer. And when I asked for Sr. Dhriti, or others who left ( I didn't know that yet) I was evaded and told that they were "away" - like on an unending work retreat, and the subject was quickly changed. Keeping secrets is not a healthy way to live, and was a taste of how things, I think, are run on Mt W. You get information "on a need to know basis." I believe in honesty.
After a LONG time, I returned home, initially to visit and tie up a few loose ends. But Yogananda, I felt, was really putting me back up in the nest, the little bird who he didn't want to see hurt on the ground. My experience was very blissful, yet also painful. I love the nuns, love the ashram in many ways, love Yogananda, but I saw too many things, was in touch with too many details that didn't make sense to me.

My brain got kind of fried, but in retrospect, I know that Master was putting me where I really belong, and I am going to graduate school in January to earn a Master degree in Social Work.
While on Mt.W, I definitely felt a strange sense of real entrapment. After a long meditation with the nuns on Thursdays, I was driven home - about two blocks. And chastised for walking around the neighborhood. Yet on the weekends I was on my own to get to the Pasadena temple, which I took the bus to, and was offered drugs at the Highland Park bus stop a few times. And propositioned. OK, I'm a New Yorker, and skinny but tough, and I can take care of myself, but I thought this was weird. I couldn't go through the monk's gate by the parking lot, but I could stand for a bus in a bad neighborhood and live with people who verbally abused me? So many rules, just for the sake of learning obedience, or learning to drop your will, your intuitive sense of what is RIGHT in an effort to surrender.
Problems with the Postulant Ashram:
I see no benefit in enforcing a total separation from one's parents for several years. It breaks down the family, to what end? Isn't this actually strengthening karmic ties, because of the strong emotions involved?

It is impossible to treat adult (or even young adult) women like children - people who have previously had apartments, driven cars, had job etc. Postulants are in essence expected to become little girls again, in every sense of the word.

Postulants who are encouraged to regress into a psychologically preadolescent state are in a "home" with "parents" who are always busy - just like real American home with working mothers. Issues go unaddressed, people feel uncared for and unloved. You might not see what I mean, but believe me, I think the PA is full of frightened little girls looking for love. Not because the SRF ashram attracted people like these, but because the SRF ashram MADE people like these.

I will write more when I have time tomorrow.
Dhriti, if you are there, you might not remember me, but I hope you are happy. Jai Guru.
Om Tat Sat,
S

Edited by: srfwalrus at: 5/19/02 8:25:45 pm
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