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        > Posted by XNUN 7/03: Short story of life inside the ashram		 New Topic    Add Reply

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(7/25/03 9:34 pm)
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Posted by XNUN 7/03: Short story of life inside the ashram
Posted by XNUN on 7/24/03 way way down in this thread.
pub78.ezboard.com/fsrfwal...31&stop=35

Hi chuckle chela,

I'd be very happy to tell you about this senior nun. And even though I think that everybody, who knew her, would know who I'm talking about anyway, I am also sure she wouldn't appreciate to have her name all over this board. (For the same reason I also took the other name above out of my post). If you really need to know, I can tell you privately.

I am sorry if this is going to include a lot about myself, too, but I think that simply stating some qualities without relating to real situations, as I perceived them, wouldn't really help you understand what I am saying. And please be also patient with my English as I am trying to cope with the vocabulary that I have at hand. Wish I could convey to you the pictures that are stored in my mind.

The reason why I considered her genuine is that she didn't seem to wear a mask. When I watched this nun over a period of time, there was just something I still cannot really put my finger on. She seemed to have the same love and concern for everybody, her words and actions (and probably body language as well) were without contradictions, she showed understanding for my situation as a newcomer in the PA (Postulant Ashram) in a way that was not just cheap, cheerful talk, and when I watched her, I had the feeling that she had nothing to hide and wasn't holding back anything. Watching her was like seeing someone whom you really would want to have as your friend.

And it was actually through this nun that I learnt what a wonderful thing it is to go without masks myself, because her genuineness and openness just drew the same reaction from me. When she pointed out a flaw to me (and there were many ), she did it in such a loving way that I could not but admit them gladly.

Although she was extremely busy with her duties in the ashram and had way more on her plate than she should have had, she still would take the time for people approaching her with problems, even if that meant staying up very late at night.

She had no problems to admit her humaneness and didn't put a halo around herself. When her counselees (in the ashram everyone was assigned a counselor who was the only person to whom we were to speak about our problems) approached her with a personal problem, she would usually search in her own past where she had struggled with the same problem and then give the counsel from this perspective.

She was also not beyond making mistakes, as no human being is. And there was certainly enough pressure on her to excuse that. But she was so humble that it was possible to walk up to her and say, "Look, I have a problem with what you did to me," and though she wouldn't say much, she would acknowledge you by changing her actions, which is worth more than a thousand words IMO.

Sometimes she was so humble that it was even shocking. When I worked in her office, I sometimes had to witness how a certain Bni. (who seemed to have some power, although I never figured out how this worked) behaved toward this senior nun in such a rude and abusive way, but she would just take it without retaliating.

She was very understanding of the situation of the postulants, of whom she was in charge as the PA housemother. One day we (the postulants) had annoyed her because we had not acted as quickly in a situation as we should have. Soon after that I had a conversation with another postulant sister who felt that the postulants needed a free weekend and I should ask Sr. about it because I was working in her office. But I felt that I couldn't ask her for a free weekend taking into account the recent trouble and I said that she would probably rather drill us like a drill sergeant, to which the other postulant jokingly replied, "Yeah, send us up a mountain full pack three times." Then we decided that this mountain would have to be Mt. Ryan at Joshua Tree National Park where the postulants had had an outing several months ago. So I thought this was funny enough that I could present our plea to Sr. in this way, asking her if she wanted to send us up Mt. Ryan full pack three times because of the trouble we had caused this week. She looked at me with big eyes, and when I explained the whole plot, she choose to give the postulants the free weekend instead. So she demonstrated also a great amount of humor and compassion.

Or one day I got into trouble with another senior nun (who had been around already when PY was there). That day I had been in charge of the postulants' setting up of a room for the nuns' Thanksgiving banquette, which involved moving furniture and setting up folding tables and chairs. So I took three other girls with me to get the folding chairs. They were stored in a little room inside the recreation room. But in the rec. room this senior nun was sitting watching tv. I didn't think anything of it and just marched through to get the chairs. Well, it didn't take long and this senior nun was towering above me inside this tiny storage room, ranting at me how I dared to march through like this when she was censoring tapes for the nuns' movie night (which was supposed to be a secret, but after she blurted it all out, it wasn't a secret anymore). I looked at the other girls who were just horrified, I looked at the nun towering above me with a dark red face, looking as if she was wanting to hit me very badly, and I secretly admired her self-control for not doing so, and all the while I kept apologizing, but I did not really feel guilty because we were just doing the work we were supposed to get accomplished. When we were finally out of this room again and setting up the chairs, Sr. came and I told her all about what had happened. And even though she did not laugh, I could tell she was amused. And she went to settle this matter with this other senior nun for me.

Later she did the same for some novices who were in this other senior nun's counseling group. This senior nun had kept treating her counselees in such an abusive way, that they finally went to Sr. to ask her for help -- with the result that all counselees were taken from this other senior nun, which speaks volumes IMO.

To sum it up, she simply stood out because of her loving concern for others and willingness to help others, and many of the nuns in the ashram felt very attracted to her. IMO, she was in this way towering as an example above all the other nuns I knew.

Regarding the suicide question, well, I was aware of people struggling with issues, although most of the time I didn't know what they were struggling with because we were not supposed to talk with each other about our problems. The only person you may talk to about problems is your counselor. But there are always reasons why you may not be able to talk to a counselor, like the counselor is way too busy, or you don't get along very well with your counselor, or your counselor is just not the right person to talk about a particular problem, etc. So, issues can easily spill over without anyone knowing what's going. As it was, I never told my counselor about it. (In my case, PA housemother, counselor and work supervisor were all the same person.) She noticed that something was wrong with me, but for some reason communication had stopped between us, and she had had enough other things on her plate as to really inquire what was going on with me. -- Until now I had told only one other person about this (after I was out) because she had mentioned similar thoughts at some point, and so I knew she would understand me. That's basically all it takes for me to feel better about a situation, to talk to people who were in the same situation. And that's also why I was willing to share this piece of information on this board, because of all the others who are mentioned here who have either felt suicidal or have even gone through with it. If you tell people who never had this experience, they are shocked how you can even think about suicide, but if you share with someone who has experienced the same thing, healing can take place.

My reaction about so many leaving within two years? Well, certainly I was surprised. Guess somehow I had imagined things had continued as I knew them. But then there is also much gladness for those who jumped off, hoping that they will get their lives off the ground again and that they will be able to deal with past issues in a healthy way.

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